Resilience Through Personalization, Pervasiveness, and Permanence
When I consider how one can possibly recover from a devastating loss, my thoughts inevitably turn to Sheryl Sandberg, who unexpectedly lost her husband after 11 years of marriage. A graduate of Harvard Business School, the former COO of Meta Platforms and the founder of the philanthropic organization, the Sheryl Sandberg and Dave Goldberg Family Foundation, she is also the author of Lean In: Women, Work and the Will to Lead.
Sandberg collaborated with Adam Grant, a professor at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania who specializes in psychology, to co-author the book, Option B: Facing Adversity Building Resilience, and Finding Joy.
I found the book to be very inspiring. I want to share with you what I think are the five main things that Sandberg and Grant teach us about building resilience:
Personalization, Pervasiveness, Permanence
The first chapter, titled “Breathing Again,” begins with Sandberg writing about how, when friends, family and colleagues learned about her husband’s sudden death, they reached out to her by talking about their own life’s traumas and hurdles. Sandberg felt something she learned through grieving could be helpful to them. She and Grant write, "We plant seeds of resilience in the ways we process negative events. After spending decades studying how people deal with setbacks, psychologist Martin Seligman found that three P's can stunt recovery: (1) personalization - the belief that we are at fault; (2) pervasiveness - the belief that an event will affect all areas of our life; and (3) permanence - the belief that the aftershocks of the event will last forever.” (you should have a reference to the book here)
They write, "Hundreds of studies have shown that children and adults recover more quickly when they realize that hardships aren’t entirely their fault, don’t affect every aspect of their lives, and won’t follow them everywhere forever.” If these three Ps are addressed by those who grieve and their support system, they are less likely to become depressed, and they are better equipped to cope with their grief and move forward.
Kick the Elephant Out of the Room
Sandberg, who is normally very open with and connected to her colleagues at Facebook, did not speak of her husband after his death when she returned to work. The loneliness of her loss was compounded by the distance she put between herself and her colleagues socially. Because she did not mention him, neither did they, often because they did not know what to say. By ignoring the elephant, Sandberg became even more isolated.
She took a step to acknowledge the elephant by writing a powerful Facebook post after the traditional Jewish mourning period of 30 days. She initiated conversations with friends and colleagues who were at a loss as to how to ask questions about her husband’s death. Although everyone makes their own decisions about when and where they want to share their feelings, Sandberg and Grant write there is a lot of evidence that speaking about traumatic events improves mental and physical health, and helps people understand their own emotions and feel better understood by others.
Self-Confidence and Self-Compassion
Sandberg reminisces about an incident that occurred when she was learning to ski when she was 16. She made a wrong turn and ended up on a difficult run. She collapsed in the snow, not knowing how she was going to get down the slope. Her mother told her to get back up, and to go down the mountain focusing on 10 turns at a time. So Sandberg made 10 turns, then another 10, and another, until she found herself at the bottom of the mountain.
Whenever Sandberg finds herself overwhelmed, she takes it one turn at a time. She has given this advice many times to colleagues who doubt themselves, saying, “I didn’t have to aim for perfection. I didn’t have to believe in myself all the time. I just had to believe I could contribute a little bit more…Over the years, this lesson has stuck with me whenever I feel overwhelmed."
Contribute
To help Sandberg rebuild her self-confidence, Grant suggested she write down three things she did well every day. For six months, almost every night before she went to bed, Sandberg made her list. "Adam [Grant] and his colleague Jane Dutton found that counting our blessings doesn't boost our confidence or our effort, but counting our contributions can. Adam and Jane believe this is because gratitude is passive: it makes us feel thankful for what we receive. Contributions are active: they build our confidence by reminding us that we can make a difference. I now encourage my friends and colleagues to write down what they do well. The people who try it all come back with the same response: they wish they started doing this sooner."
Pay Attention to Joy
Sandberg and Grant write that many who grieve suffer survivor's remorse: "Why am I the one who is still alive?" Even when acute grief subsides, guilt remains. When Sandberg attended a friend's daughter's bat mitzvah, a dear friend pulled her onto the dance floor when "September" by Earth, Wind and Fire played. They danced and laughed when suddenly Sandberg started crying, causing her to step outside for a moment of solitude.
Guilt overcame her in the moment, the first happiness she felt since her husband died. Do you mean “she overcame her guilt in the moment”? She had been focused on her kids, her job, just making it through every day. She hadn't focused on bringing herself joy, or joy to her children. Step by step, she eased back into doing things her family had loved to do with her husband: playing Settlers of Catan with her kids, watching them play poker, watching the Minnesota Vikings and the Golden State Warriors. They "took it back," as Sandberg and Grant wrote. “Rather than waiting until we’re happy to enjoy the small things, we should go and do the small things that make us happy. " When you seize more and more moments of happiness, you find that they give you strength.